An argument with my husband this morning inspired this post.  I am always working, even in the middle of an argument.  We were trying to communicate about communicating and I caught myself thinking, Come on, you know what to do, you talk about this all the time.  Time was a factor so I said, “We’re not listening to one another, let’s talk about this later when the situation isn’t so charged because we both have something important to say but right now we need to fix the current problem and we’re not listening.”  He said, “I don’t know if we need to have someone who can relay messages back and forth or what.”  I was reminded of an excellent tool that can serve as that mediator when you need to make it through conversations and LISTEN!

A timer.  It really works.  Have one handy like you would a condom, there’s a little window of time that can change your future.

There are two ways to use a timer:

When you are charged up and as a maintenance tool.

People who journal are more likely to use it as a maintenance tool.  It takes discipline and a proactive type of ambition to make your communication a priority and sit down and do it.

To use it as a maintenance tool, it’s pretty simple and very effective.  On a daily, weekly basis, sit down together, decide how much time you have, split that time in half, set your timer for that time and takes turns sharing.

The detailed version of that is that it doesn’t matter how much time you have, even five minutes is so powerful.  And, it’s a good idea to start with 5 or 10 minutes each as you begin.  Your goal is to just take the time to share with your partner and also listen to your partner.  Safety is built because you know you won’t be interrupted or given advice, you will just be listened to.

It’s important to set some ground rules:

As the listener, you may not interrupt your partner.  In fact, it’s best if you don’t talk at all. Just listen.  You can give indications that you are listening such as- look pleased and interested, nod, say little uh huh’s or “I”m with you” type of comments, and have a general tone of “tell me more”.

As the listener, do not offer advice. The intention is to listen and be heard, give advice in a casual conversation and try to keep this time to completely know what to expect, free to say what you want to say.  We get opinions thrown back at us all the time, this space is about you and what you think as you share your thoughts and feelings.

Start with benign subjects, nothing relating to your partner. This helps get the practice of listening without any distractions and taking it personally.  Our partner triggers us the most so don’t go there in the beginning.

Split the time you have evenly. Finding balance in relationships can be challenging.  We don’t want to add any resentment or hard feelings.  Trust me when I say how important it is to give your time and receive your time.  There can be a pull to let them go on and to take less time for yourself, especially if something is up for them (or to think you should get more time if there’s something up for you) and your dynamics will try to play out but this is the point of the exercise, don’t lose sight of that!  It’s an act of giving and receiving equally.  If you have something going on and you think you’ll need more time, arrange it in the beginning if possible.  Sometimes you get into something unexpected- you can ask for more time and add more time to the listener’s time too.  You’re an adult, you can work it out but I’m stressing this for a good reason.  It can break down the exercise and someone won’t want to continue with it because it’s not really working.

Switch roles quickly.    Take a moment in between to allow the person who just shared to look around the room and switch gears but then quickly switch roles.  There’s a bubble around you and your time together during the exercise is different than it is during normal business hours.  Take advantage of that, it’s very cool.

Agree to keep it confidential. What happens in Timerville stays in Timerville.  That means you don’t bring it up with each other either.  If you must, then ask permission first.  “Is it ok if I ask you about…”

Hug and set up your next one.

To be continued… How to use a timer when you are charged up!