An argument with my husband this morning inspired this post.  I am always working, even in the middle of an argument.  We were trying to communicate about communicating and I caught myself thinking, Come on, you know what to do, you talk about this all the time.  Time was a factor so I said, “We’re not listening to one another, let’s talk about this later when the situation isn’t so charged because we both have something important to say but right now we need to fix the current problem and we’re not listening.”  He said, “I don’t know if we need to have someone who can relay messages back and forth or what.”  I was reminded of an excellent tool that can serve as that mediator when you need to make it through conversations and LISTEN!

A timer.  It really works.  Have one handy like you would a condom, there’s a little window of time that can change your future.

There are two ways to use a timer:

When you are charged up and as a maintenance tool.

People who journal are more likely to use it as a maintenance tool.  It takes discipline and a proactive type of ambition to make your communication a priority and sit down and do it.

To use it as a maintenance tool, it’s pretty simple and very effective.  On a daily, weekly basis, sit down together, decide how much time you have, split that time in half, set your timer for that time and takes turns sharing.

The detailed version of that is that it doesn’t matter how much time you have, even five minutes is so powerful.  And, it’s a good idea to start with 5 or 10 minutes each as you begin.  Your goal is to just take the time to share with your partner and also listen to your partner.  Safety is built because you know you won’t be interrupted or given advice, you will just be listened to.

It’s important to set some ground rules:

As the listener, you may not interrupt your partner.  In fact, it’s best if you don’t talk at all. Just listen.  You can give indications that you are listening such as- look pleased and interested, nod, say little uh huh’s or “I”m with you” type of comments, and have a general tone of “tell me more”.

As the listener, do not offer advice. The intention is to listen and be heard, give advice in a casual conversation and try to keep this time to completely know what to expect, free to say what you want to say.  We get opinions thrown back at us all the time, this space is about you and what you think as you share your thoughts and feelings.

Start with benign subjects, nothing relating to your partner. This helps get the practice of listening without any distractions and taking it personally.  Our partner triggers us the most so don’t go there in the beginning.

Split the time you have evenly. Finding balance in relationships can be challenging.  We don’t want to add any resentment or hard feelings.  Trust me when I say how important it is to give your time and receive your time.  There can be a pull to let them go on and to take less time for yourself, especially if something is up for them (or to think you should get more time if there’s something up for you) and your dynamics will try to play out but this is the point of the exercise, don’t lose sight of that!  It’s an act of giving and receiving equally.  If you have something going on and you think you’ll need more time, arrange it in the beginning if possible.  Sometimes you get into something unexpected- you can ask for more time and add more time to the listener’s time too.  You’re an adult, you can work it out but I’m stressing this for a good reason.  It can break down the exercise and someone won’t want to continue with it because it’s not really working.

Switch roles quickly.    Take a moment in between to allow the person who just shared to look around the room and switch gears but then quickly switch roles.  There’s a bubble around you and your time together during the exercise is different than it is during normal business hours.  Take advantage of that, it’s very cool.

Agree to keep it confidential. What happens in Timerville stays in Timerville.  That means you don’t bring it up with each other either.  If you must, then ask permission first.  “Is it ok if I ask you about…”

Hug and set up your next one.

To be continued… How to use a timer when you are charged up!

I learn through experience much more vividly than I do all the other ways.  I have studied “discovering my niche”, like all Coaches do- and I have studied it hard.  For some people it’s obviously obvious, for some it’s obvious and for others it’s a needle in a haystack kind of experience.

It’s only because I believed other Coaches when they said, “YOU MUST HAVE A NICHE”, that I even took this little off-road adventure.  It’s like those days when someone tells you they’re taking you on a date but put your boots on- and you get that “uh, I’m so put out” look on your face because you’d rather just go to the movies- but in the end you are so happy they drug you out for a day hike.  (happens all the time, I know.)  You had so much fun, saw things you would never have seen, and discovered something pretty cool about yourself along the way.

So, I went to a networking event last week for Business Women in Houston.  I joined a table of women discussing their businesses, listened a few minutes and chimed in.  It took me about half a second to notice something that could have slapped me on the forehead six months ago and saved me a lot of time and energy.  I saw the obviously obvious.  I work with Creative Women!  I knew this but I was able to really see it.  I have been so surrounded by creative women that I almost thought there were only creative women in the world.  It took a long time to see what was right in front of me because I wasn’t seeing the contrast.  I saw the difference in the thought process and the communication styles, side by side.  Another minute passes and I am thinking, “Wow, this is so different than the environment I spend most of my time in.”  Then I saw how I was a magnet to the creative women that were there (two of the seven came with me).  I was so interested in them, what they do, who they are, their process and creativity.

I love people, in general, but this is exactly what finding your niche is about- finding who you are magnetized to, the subject you naturally gravitate toward, the topic that lights you up the most.  Look for the people who seem to just catch what you’re throwing, and hopefully you’re not throwing eggs at cars.  See what I mean?  I’m making my point without even trying.  Not everyone is going to like me or want me as their Coach and there’s no reason to spin my wheels- the people we attract already like us and appreciate our style and language.  The dynamic just flows and everyone is happy.  Which leads to the common question, “Who is your ideal client/customer?”

I’m so glad I went through the process of finding my niche and it was great to have it validated with a clear “oh, I get it” moment.

It’s easy to forget how amazing we are, right?  Even if I have a general sense of what I’m good at or that I “help” people, I can forget about the specifics.  I picked up my Strengths Finder book this morning because I was filling out an application which asked about my strengths.  I remembered it being accurate and giving me good words that I hadn’t thought of to describe myself.  I reread all of my 5 top strengths and had one of the most productive mornings I’ve had in a long time!  I was so uplifted by the validating truths about me that I couldn’t help but work on a speech I’ve wanted to write.  How do you not do something when you hear all the details about how great you are?!  I was so clear-headed and confident all morning.

I encourage you to not only get this book (I get nothin’), but to find a resource to reference that fills you up and speaks the truth about you- the you that, at your purest, is nothing short of amazing.  Remember, specifically, what makes you uniquely fantastic.  Find those words and phrases that you can truly identify with and say, “Ya, that’s me”.  Maybe you haven’t thought of that characteristic as valuable or unique but it is!  How can you give that strength to the world in some way? (Big or small.)

www.strengthsfinder.com

Mine are:

Woo

Strategic

Activator

Relator

Communication

My eight-year-old daughter and I were having a tea party in Austin and there was this bird there. It’s leg was hurt and we watched it flap it’s wings and scuttle about. With heroic effort, it was trying to get off the ground. My daughter says, “it really wants to fly!”. Immediately, I thought, “ah, dang, I’m a bird!”

It clearly was a bird and birds fly. I am clearly a bird and I realized that not only do I want to fly but it’s just what I’m made to do. I’m a Creative and Creatives create. Birds aren’t looking for results, they aren’t thinking, “I wonder if I look like a real ass when I fly like this” or “I’m kinda scared to fly today, I mean, what if it doesn’t really go well”- they just fly because that’s what birds do! They don’t mean to inspire children to say “burd”, they don’t set goals for how many bird watchers they attract that day. They are who they are and people respond how they respond but birds don’t care.

About the bird at the tea party, I wonder how long it will choose to live, not being a bird…